insecurities – Faith Fitness and Mommy Stuff

Comfortable With The Uncomfortable

I wrote this a few months ago. I never did feel led to put in a photo. Instead I went with a verse. I’m not sure why God asked me to share this, but I trust that it will resonate with someone out there.

No graphics or photos for this post. I don’t know, maybe as I go through my day God will give me a visual to share. But right now, right this moment He’s telling me to just share my heart.

Yesterday a dear sister in Christ texted me a link to a video from the Leading and Loving It #JustONE2016 virtual conference. I’m not sure what day it was from, but it was good. Like brush off the dust of complacency and do some work for the kingdom, good. Work I have been too _______ (fill in the blank – tired, busy, lazy) to do. I’m not talking projects here, either. I’m talking about the work of boldly living out my faith. Declaring His truth whenever and wherever I feel His Spirit leading me to.

Here are some of the notes I jotted down, and you can watch the video here for yourself.

Get going – say YES to God without knowing the details, especially the outcome. Move when He says to and move with urgency.
Get strategic – be aware, be intentional, and be sensitive. Pay attention to people’s details.
Get uncomfortable – God calls me to serve and wash feet.

After watching that video I decided to sign up for the conference – funny, I thought I already had signed up but I guess that was last year – and watch all of the videos. They’re sent directly to my inbox so there’s no extra clicking on my part. The Day 1 video arrived this morning and I couldn’t really relate it to my current season of life. Lori Wilhite talks about God trading our junk for joy, our hurt for healing, and our pain for purpose. Believe me, I’ve had plenty of junk, hurt, and pain. Enough to last a lifetime. But as of this morning I had no current junk, hurt, or pain to reflect on. {Or so I thought} I still looked up Isaiah 60:17, the verse she was focusing on, and took notes. I even added personal reflections to each of her three points.

I could feel God stirring something up within me, and knew He was telling me it was time to dig deeper. Back in early January I signed up for my second ‪#‎cleanhearting‬ challenge to support the amazing ministry of Revelation Wellness. I wasn’t planning on going through the challenge again. I figured I’d watch Alisa Keeton on Periscope when I could or pull up a scope on Katch.

But I started experiencing heartburn a couple of weeks ago and it hasn’t let up. Heartburn is only something I dealt with during pregnancy. And before you ask, no, I am not pregnant. At first I was in denial, blaming the one meal that might have triggered it. But then I got still and quiet long enough (after several days of refusing to listen to my body) to see that the discomfort is God lovingly nudging me. Nudging me to look at my habits and idols.

So when I had finished watching the Day 1 #JustONE2016 video, I decided to read the Day 1 email for he Clean Hearting Challenge to do just that. To identify and confront the idols and habits that are keeping me from doing the kingdom building work God is calling me to do. Day 1 seemed easy enough – looking at the root of our desire to live clean, a desire God created us to have because we were made in His image and He is clean and blameless. Looking at Alisa’s very simple and straight forward definition of clean eating – avoid refined and processed foods and eat real food – was just the “Dude, I can do this” moment I needed.

And the let’s do this attitude wasn’t just about the eating either – and that’s the whole point behind the Clean Hearting Challenge, by the way, to pull off the blinders and see that it’s all about the condition of our hearts. It’s about treating myself better by eating life giving foods more often than fake foods, by getting more sleep, and by moving more. And moms out there, please hear me when I say that none of those goals are selfish. When I take better care of myself, I am better able to love the people God calls me to serve and love. And so are you.

The notion of loving people better got me thinking about February being the perfect month to practice being more intentional in my marriage. So I took The Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your man on Purpose and with a Plan off a shelf and started reading it. But right when I was getting to the “meat” of the first chapter it was time to get the boys ready for church.

Just a typical Sunday morning. Until it wasn’t. I got the twins dressed and fed. They were happily playing with our oldest until I had to go upstairs and get dressed and my husband out of bed. As I was getting ready he told me that he decided to sleep in and not to come to church. I was fine with that since he doesn’t sleep in very often. But a small disagreement with our oldest turned into something much bigger not only between the two of us but also between me and my husband. Before I knew it voices were raised and doors were slammed. And to top it all off one of the twins was refusing to get buckled into his car seat. I wanted to cry. And I did.

In spite of my feelings and the tears streaming down my face I went to church. Well, not exactly. The truth is I no longer wanted to go to church. I didn’t know what I wanted to do – I just knew I didn’t want to go. I almost marched everyone out of the minivan and back into the house, but I inadvertently locked the basement door when I slammed it and didn’t have a key to get back in.

So I drove us to church and apologized to my oldest on the way. I apologized for my tone and for slamming the car and house doors. He accepted my apology, because that’s what we do in our house. We humble ourselves to apologize, and we humble ourselves to forgive.

As soon as our junior pastor started preaching I knew that God meant for me to experience what I did this morning so I could really listen to his message. Not just hear it, but listen to it. His message was anchored in Job. It was such an encouragement from my Daddy. It was a reminder that when I make a kingdom declaration – like I did today saying that I was ready to do kingdom building work – that I will be met with opposition. I just forgot how quickly it can happen.

Today I spent some intentional time with God, and shortly thereafter the enemy came at me. Hard. He attacked my marriage and my motherhood. I wanted to throw up my hands and throw in the towel. But as a daughter of the King of kings I must remember that I am not called to do the easy things. I am not called to be comfortable. I am called to roll up my sleeves and wield the Sword of the Spirit and fight, for the victory has already been won.

My Abundant Life: Celebrating Ten Years of Freedom

In November of 2005 I took the first step on a scary but necessary journey to “find myself”. I just giggled as I wrote that sentence because how cliche is that? But I guess it wasn’t entirely cliche, since I usually think of early 20-somethings setting out on such journeys and I was nearing my 30’s but still knew very little about myself. I mean I knew facts about myself, but I had no real sense of who I was. The core of my personality, my likes and dislikes – even my goals in life – hinged on who I was with. I was a chameleon who didn’t know my own true colors.

By the time December 31st of 2005 rolled around I was almost ready to take the next big step in my journey, which was to own up to the fact that I didn’t know what was best for me. As humbling as it was, the admission only made sense since I didn’t really know who I was. How could I possibly make wise decisions for myself? But it wasn’t until January 2, 2006 that I was ready to make this admission to anyone else.

The funny thing is, is that even then I was in no way ready to admit how lost I was – how desperate I was for God. But God is patient and I am so grateful that His timing is perfect. He let me experience exactly what I needed in order for me to get to a place where I would not only recognize my spiritual bankruptcy for what it was, but where I could be humbled enough to cry out to Him.

On this day, January 2nd, I celebrate the ten years I’ve been on this journey with God. The coolest part of my journey with Him may be that as I look back I can clearly see that He was walking with me long before I agreed to walk with Him. And I’m not just talking about the five months between January 2nd when I admitted I didn’t have it all together and the afternoon in May when I asked Him to be Lord of my life. I can look back over my life and see how He gently pursued me until I was ready to give Him all of me – my shame, my guilt, my fear, my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams, my identity.

Over the last ten years He has guided me through a series of surrenders – some deeper than others, but all helping me to see Him for who He is. And in turn, who I am in Him. I share all this to encourage you wherever you may be on your journey with God. He is just and He is merciful. He will pursue you until you are ready to accept His grace and love. And once you have surrendered your all to Him, He will not leave you but continue to walk with you.

Journey With God

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Dueteronomy 31:6 (NLT)

Winning The Bathing Suit Battle

I wrote this as a contributor for Veva Health.

I didn’t want to share this picture. In fact, I promised myself I would never share progress pictures or photos of me in a bathing suit. Never ever.

Cropped Splash Pad Photo

Even as God was tugging on my heart to share it, I couldn’t bring myself to post it on Instagram. I was relieved in an odd sort of way when I realized God meant for me to share it here, with the Veva community. Although I’m new to Veva as a contributor, I have been reading the content for some time, and it feels like a safe place to share scary stuff. You know, the kind of stuff that we surrender to God, only to pick it up again and again. The kind of stuff that we’re hesitant to share with others, but so relieved when we finally do, and they say, “Me too!”

As a middle school teacher I do not get to participate in many play-dates during the year—they are usually scheduled for weekdays. So, this summer I jumped at the opportunity to go meet up with some ladies from my Moms of Multiples group at a local Splash Pad. I didn’t give much thought to what I was going to wear until people started posting questions and comments online. Even after I planned to wear my tankini with khaki shorts, I overlooked the fact that I had to get into the water with the twins. Bottom line, at some point either the shorts were getting wet or coming off. Wearing a wet bathing suit home is one thing, but wet clothes is just uncomfortable. My third option was to keep my shorts on while the twins and I chilled on the grass and watched everyone else splash in the water. My play-date at the Splash Pad taught three very important lessons.

Lesson 1: I will not sit on the sidelines of my own life

I wasn’t about to not take the boys onto the splash pad. Instead, I opted to bare my legs for all to see. For a moment, I wondered if the other moms thought that as a fitness instructor with sixteen month olds that I should be more fit or toned by now. But, God lovingly revealed those thoughts to be lies from the enemy, so I sent them back to where they came from, Hell. Being present and active in my own life, and experiencing a first with the boys didn’t give me time to be consumed by body image issues. Their joy (Andrew) and trepidation (Michael) forced me to get out of my head and live in the moment, and what an enjoyable moment it was. Well, except for the time when some kids accidentally sprayed water directly into our faces. But even that was kind of funny.

Lesson 2: I will capture the memories

I experienced horrible pregnancy acne with the boys. It was so bad I avoided having my picture taken and used as many filters as possible when it was unavoidable. I regret not taking more pictures to document my ever-expanding belly. God reminded me of that regret as the boys and I were getting ready to dry off. I asked my dad to take a picture of us and trusted that in the years to come I would focus on our faces more than my thighs.

Lesson 3: I will step out in faith

I was shocked and confused when God first prompted me to share this photo. He knew about my promise and He knew the reasons behind it. And yet, He nudged me to share it. He gently told me to get over myself. That sharing the picture really wasn’t about me, but about giving other women permission—permission to get off the sidelines of life, to create memories and capture them without worrying about thigh gaps or giggly squishy bits, and permission to fearlessly be the women He has called us to be. As uncomfortable as I was sharing this picture and the accompanying story, it was incredibly freeing to do so. I love how faithful God is to use all things for the good of those who love and obey Him. There is no greater reward than freedom through grace.

I pray that you will join me in doing and sharing some scary stuff to bless others with the relief of “Me too!” Use #lovebeyondlooks and #vevavida on social media to share your “Me too!” moments. If you want to win the bathing suit battle, check out our Bible study on body image: Love Beyond Looks.

What scary challenges have you faced lately?

How has God spoken to you?

From Good To Grace

Christine Hoover’s latest book is an invitation to have a daily reprieve from an addiction to goodness.

I received a copy of this book as a Family Christian Blogger. The opinions expressed in this review are my own and not influenced by Family Christian or anyone else.

Years ago, while reading Lysa Terkeurst’s Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl, I received such freedom from God that I thought “Whew, I’m so glad I learned all of those powerful Biblical truths!” I truly believed that I was cured from the need to be good in the eyes of others. But in the years since then I find myself continuously surrendering my desire to please others, just to pick it back up. And then surrender it again. It’s exhausting.

I know that’s why I connected with the cover of Christine Hoover’s latest book From Good to Grace: Letting Go of The Goodness Gospel. It shows a woman (probably a mom) sitting in a laundry basket as she thumbs through a book. I can totally identify with her – too tired to find a “proper” place to recline and read. Like her, I have to steal away moments to read. And I’ve loved every moment I’ve spent reading this book.

She had me at “Good, Bye”

Yes, that’s totally a reference to “Jerry Maguire”. High five for those of you who got it. And for those of you who didn’t, you can look it up later. The book is split up into three sections, each covering three chapters (the math teacher in me was tickled by the symmetry of that). I’ve only gotten through the first section which is titled Good, Bye (hence the heading above). Although I’m only three chapters into the book I know that Christine wrote this book just for me.

Sure, I know it’s her story, but it’s just as much mine as it is hers. She talks of her obsession with being good – trying to win the approval of others and God. My heart winced as I let her words sink in that the gospel isn’t just for salvation; it’s for everyday life. Too often I wave the banner of God’s power and tout what He’s done, totally neglecting what He is still doing in my life. I accept that salvation is by faith alone, but somehow expect sanctification to be a different story. Thinking and acting as if I need to go it alone.

The goodness gospel that Christine describes is all about caring more what others think of us than what God does. She writes about putting chains on ourselves and I can most certainly relate. I take the chains of bondage that Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection freed me from and I wear them like jewelry. They weigh me down and I remain stuck for fear that whatever I share will be judged, or the presentation of my thoughts won’t be witty or compelling enough. I question and doubt not only my ability to write, but my calling to be in this arena, or any other for that matter.

Christine spoke directly to my heart when she confessed “Unfortunately for me, a large part of a goodness obsession is an addiction to self. Goodness is evaluated by activity, completed tasks, responses from others, and results. It requires a focus on appearance and image and maintaining some semblance of religious behavior […] Goodness fed both my pride and my self-condemnation” Oh how I wish that I could just create the perfect checklist and be better once I’ve completed all those tasks.

Alas, I know that isn’t possible. What’s more, I know that isn’t what God wants from me. Or you. As Christine succinctly puts it, “He simply wants us to follow him, receive him, submit to him, and […] let what we receive from him compel us outward to serve and love others.”

I’m looking forward to reading the rest of From Good to Grace. I smile just thinking about stealing away moments to read it. I must confess that I almost added it to my daily checklist. I decided not to. I decided instead to let it remain a “get to” rather than a “have to”. I highly recommend this book if you, like me, struggle with a goodness addiction.

becoming myself

I don’t remember when I picked up my first copy of Stasi Eldredge’s becoming myself: embracing God’s dream of you. Funny, I remember where I bought it, but not when. Also, I’m pretty certain that I picked it up because I misread the title as God’s dream for you. For the past five years I’ve been torn between wanting to go into full time student ministry working full time as a teacher. Although I have accepted that teaching middle school is boot camp for God’s next assignment for me, I would be lying if I said there weren’t times that I desperately want to speed up the timetable so I can walk into God’s dream for me.

Like so many other books I have bought over the years, becoming myself went untouched. (I have a list of books to finish in 2015) Then last month, as a Family Christian Blogger, I learned of an opportunity to receive both the book and the accompanying eight session DVD. I didn’t even know there was a DVD that went along with the book. I’m not saying that I would have already read the book had I known, but just maybe. It wasn’t until I received the book and DVD did I remember I already owned the book. The memorable book cover had me searching through my library to confirm my suspicion that I had not only seen it before but walked by it several times in my own home.

As a mother of infant twins and a seven year old, I do not have the luxury of pleasure reading like I did before I had kids. What I do have though, is my morning time. It isn’t as sacred as I’d like it to be, as it is often sacrificed in order to get my oldest to school on time. And when I get to have it, reading a book is the last thing I do during that time. I pray, read short devotionals, pray some more, and then read. I say all that in hopes that you won’t judge me when I tell you I’m only about to start reading Chapter 4. Seriously. Although I thought I was cured from caring what others think about me, blogging and reading this book have made me keenly aware of my ever present desire to be accepted by others – especially women.

My friend Amia and I always talk about how you can’t help people if you haven’t walked through whatever it is they’re struggling with. And although you can commiserate with your friend if you’re still in that place, two people in a pit are still in the pit. One of the goals of Catalyst Movement – the dream God gave me for a girl centered ministry – is for girls to love one another as they learn to love themselves. I know that God brought my attention back to this book so I can work through some stuff so I can better lead girls into a life of freedom and wholeness.