In November of 2005 I took the first step on a scary but necessary journey to “find myself”. I just giggled as I wrote that sentence because how cliche is that? But I guess it wasn’t entirely cliche, since I usually think of early 20-somethings setting out on such journeys and I was nearing my 30’s but still knew very little about myself. I mean I knew facts about myself, but I had no real sense of who I was. The core of my personality, my likes and dislikes – even my goals in life – hinged on who I was with. I was a chameleon who didn’t know my own true colors.
By the time December 31st of 2005 rolled around I was almost ready to take the next big step in my journey, which was to own up to the fact that I didn’t know what was best for me. As humbling as it was, the admission only made sense since I didn’t really know who I was. How could I possibly make wise decisions for myself? But it wasn’t until January 2, 2006 that I was ready to make this admission to anyone else.
The funny thing is, is that even then I was in no way ready to admit how lost I was – how desperate I was for God. But God is patient and I am so grateful that His timing is perfect. He let me experience exactly what I needed in order for me to get to a place where I would not only recognize my spiritual bankruptcy for what it was, but where I could be humbled enough to cry out to Him.
On this day, January 2nd, I celebrate the ten years I’ve been on this journey with God. The coolest part of my journey with Him may be that as I look back I can clearly see that He was walking with me long before I agreed to walk with Him. And I’m not just talking about the five months between January 2nd when I admitted I didn’t have it all together and the afternoon in May when I asked Him to be Lord of my life. I can look back over my life and see how He gently pursued me until I was ready to give Him all of me – my shame, my guilt, my fear, my insecurities, my hopes, my dreams, my identity.
Over the last ten years He has guided me through a series of surrenders – some deeper than others, but all helping me to see Him for who He is. And in turn, who I am in Him. I share all this to encourage you wherever you may be on your journey with God. He is just and He is merciful. He will pursue you until you are ready to accept His grace and love. And once you have surrendered your all to Him, He will not leave you but continue to walk with you.
“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Dueteronomy 31:6 (NLT)